dark times

Hey you

How much do i wish i was with you and caring people right now.... I feel lonely and lost! I'm hurting probably more than i ever have both physically and emotionally.

Sarge and me are a definate no more. it all came to a certain close on wednesday and i cant help but feel used. What a great holiday and time we had together for it to be basically thrown right back in my face.

I know that this is probably emotionally charged and might not mean much when i calm down but i really have to vent!

I dont really want to verbally talk about it coz i know i will just blub and not say what i want to say. I'm a wreck!

I still love him and told him exactly what i felt. He said he wasnt interested!

He's not really done anything wrong but now my closest friends here arent happy with him because they all saw us as working well.... then it now looks like he's lead me on apparently.

I cried in front of him and now i feel weak!

I dont think he knows how upset he's left me beacause i tried to stay strong.

Does friendship really work??? I hope so. I feel like he's gonna disappear now. Is that a bad thing?

I dont think i've been this low ever! i've never been in love like this before... to want someone back after everything and all this time?! It hurts that i told him i wanted him back. He was emotionless! I let my barrier down.

I've not got a proper job here anymore, just the pub. No really close friends like you here and possibly the loneliest birthday ever coming up! I just want to get away but i know it's not simple like that. I dont even have my own car to achieve an escape! Money isnt an issue yet as i worked a lot and saved a lot but i should have been going back to uni this year which i cant even do!

Tonight its hit me. i was out at the pub (driving so no alcohol involved in this) and something one of my friends said has just completely set me off. she was on about her daughter getting over her ex. It hit me that over a year on i've not moved on at all! even miu was probably me trying to trick myself and then i realised it wasnt right. Why do i love sarge to the point of making myself feel like this? I have no idea but it's ripping me to shreds! I havent told anyone in the family yet because i know how certain people will feel and i dont think it's fair on them. especially as they covered expences of the holiday!

I wish i could write something happy like the last post i wrote but to be honest i cant lie to you! i cant pretend to be happy for the sake of saying what i want you to hear because that would make me a liar! I wish i could be all positive and happy and bubbly but i feel negative, sad and popped! See if he had done something wrong i would actually probably feel better because there would be a reason but there is no reason and i cant fathom it!

Please please dont worry about me because I am using my acting skills here and no1 thinks different so i got some success in that at least!
As i said before this is probably too emotionally charged and very likely doesnt mean much but sometime i just gotta get stuff out and this is easier than talking... talking sometimes makes it harder because i cant go back and read it to answer my questions.

I've rambled on and i'm exhausted now so i'm gonna put my very sore and swollen ankle up and watch the olympics, Local girl rebecca adlington is set to make me smile when she wins a medal for her swim and today looks good for medals so i can lose myself in sport for now and just hope i can try to unravel this stupid mess in my head.

Love ya. and miss you more than any letters could spell out.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kewey out.x