Having faith is the best thing ever.

Things have finally hit me!

End of term means time to think/reflect and i think i've hit some sort of mental brick wall.... i feel that i should come to terms with being lonely and sad... many reasons for this.

The deaths in the past 3 weeks (especially carl) i think it really hit me last night for the first time coz i have been out with him n his family for the past couple of months at least and they werent there last night. Then today i've been down because of that. Sarge text me in the week and he is coming here for new year. He's turned his friends down to come here (big mix up in rota meant i get 2 nights off..... 31st and 1st so i didnt think anything of it). Made me smile and i started to make plans. Tonight my boss's wife had a dig at me saying i shouldnt go out in the pub i am meant to be working in coz of salt in wounds *hello... not my fault!* But i dont want to upset my friends at work. I dont have that many friends here anymore so the last thing i want to do is upset the ones i have!! So, I'm thinkin of tellin boss that if it causes upset i will hand my notice in early and just not work the notice... I was thinkin of leavin anyway coz its too much with school too.

So i came home on an all time low. Was sayin to myself that i want a sign that i will be happy and have some sort of love here coz i just feel isolated... what with working etc. I've turned the telly on and the keane concert is on channel 4.... I burst into tears coz its a sign to me... i was so so happy when i saw them and just the words in some of their songs... ok, people reading this will think i'm a wierdo but i just wanted any sign to say i'm thought of and i think god is thinking of me *and the directors of channel 4!* I know its petty me thinking about how new year will affect how i am treated at work but its seriously the icing on the cake... i dont want to not go in coz i know scott really wants to go in and i want to see him too... i just want to enjoy myself and be a 23 year old coz right now i feel like i should be about 50 with the not having a life buisness... sometimes a girl just wants to come home to a hug and not a mummy hug... maybe i just want too much!

I went to york for a few hours today to see my uncle and aunty. Did a bit of shopping too... was good.

Hope you're ok.

Kewey (and keane) out for tonight...

Dear Lord, thank you for gifting me with a conscience. Thank you for your love and guidence. Thank you for holding my hand when i am lost and for cheering me up when i am sad. Thank you for the greatest gift of friendship. God, bless the friendship i have with Smithy and i pray that we stay best of friends through every circumstance that the future holds. God bless those we love, our friends, families and distant families.
In your holy name. Amen.

I'm crying again. Bedshaped is now playing on telly... if you can get the backtrack thing on sky, please could you dvd the concert? keane, live at the o2 arena is what its called on channel 4.. Loads of love. xxxx