Teardrop

Hey

So I've just finished a conversation on the phone to you because Chris is being a bit of a jerk! So much for us being good and sorted.

About two weeks ago we swapped chores so cooking is one of mine. Now as far as I knew we were going out at the same time - 8pm when we go to cell so I was about to start tea at about 7 then all of a sudden he's going out earlier.

I've left him to cook and come upstairs now. Listening to Newton Faulkner's song Dream Catch Me - I do like Teardrop (hence the title) but it was depressing me.

On at least 4 or 5 occasions over the past few months since you and the other girlies moved out of Bedford I've broken down in tears because I can't handle how lonely I feel all the time. On Saturday last week I'd had it up to the back teeth, I made some comment in the cinema and Chris turned in his chair so that his body was facing away from me but he could still see the screen, so I got up and sat in the smaller block of chairs near one of the walls. I left the cinema as soon as the titles went up and I went to the loo - Chris has this thing about staying till the end of the titles.

I need to go my battery is dying brb when i get downstairs.

Back, so I left the cinema and thought i'll start walking and won't have to talk to Chris. I got outside the cinema and he was there already so we walked together in absolute silence.

We got along the Embankment to the footpath through the park and Chris asked did I want to walk on my own, I broke down in tears and sat on the wet bench. I felt so lost and alone. I'd has a really pooey week at work just constantly being told what I was doing wrong, what I had missed out etc. The only person I can really download on is Chris or my Mum because Karen is busy looking after Abi and by the time I'm free it's teatime at their house, Caroline is still really emotionally knocked by Myles being ill or looking after Joel (Myles is getting better btw he's preached two sundays in a row which was really cool). I don't really see Ummma that much at the moment. I don't just wanna talk to them because I need someone to download onto I want to talk to them about other stuff as well - does that make sense???

Now listening to McFly (- yes I know I am taking pills for it but they don't seem to be working!), I'm supposed to be going up to York on the 7th February as Chris is doing visual stuff for a Youth event there. Thought about seeing if he could drop me off in Mansfield on the Thursday then me catch the bus or train up to York to meet him on the Friday - but I guess you will be back at work by then.

Anyhoo back to my spazz in the rain. I sat on the wet bench (I don't think it was raining at that point but it had been while we were in the cinema) I didn't know where to start about stuff,

I like my job but can't handle it when I'm told to do one thing then someone moves the goalposts - so I either have to start again or completely change the way I'm doing it.

Abby is lovely and she's really sweet but theres just not that same link if you get me. (see point 1 - i was getting confused with all the brackets!) I think you and me were meant to be friends or something, we both love craft (Point 2), both musicians (Point 3), both have our quirks that make us us and don't care about looking silly when we show them.

Back to the job, I do like it, I'm on a one year contract which is better than nothing. My probatio n period ends on the 10th ish of February and in all honesty I am worried that this "project" is like a challenge to show that I can do the job before they sack me or something. I'm on for a year contract otherwise which means this time next year I could be unemployed again.

1. When I was off work with my chest infection before Christmas I had a running commentry of random things happening. Then last weekend I texted her to apologise if I was rude to her - I was trying to do some work and it wasn't going my way she asked could she help with anything and I think I snapped at her - she told me I hadn't and I thought she was just being polite, we then had a text conversation about what we were upto over the weekend. I guess it's cool we started about the same time so we are Newbies together.

2. Well before I met you I loved Craft and sewing etc but I think a certain old friend shall we say made me feel like it was uncool - then I met you and realised actually it's the coolest thing since sliced bread.

3. I say that because I probably need both hands and both feet to count how many instruments we can play between us
Anyhoo I feel pants (WELL DONE MR J - YOU WIN AGAIN!)

P.S. Emily that I used to work with at Wickes signed in her display name is "I'm thinking....but nothings happening"